The Ehmummy Manifesto

Having overcome my disappointment that ‘manifesto’ has less to do with hoards of Italian hunks frolicking semi-naked in a summer meadow wearing sequinned masks, drinking Lambrusco and dancing with wild abandon, and more to do with fiscal stimulation and the abolishment of SATS, I knuckled down to produce the kind of policy list that might hoover up more votes than Nick Clegg with balanced media exposure and a large Dyson.  Whether I have succeeded or not is a moot point, as thankfully Josie has no voting system on this week’s Sleep is for the Weak Writing Workshop #23.

So here follows the Ehmummy Party Manifesto:

1.  Free copies of Twilight to all mums. Oh Robert, we know it’s wrong and many of us are old enough to be your mother, but we just would

2.  Soft focus to be applied to all UK CCTV cameras.  If it’s good enough for Andy MacDowell, well…we’re bloody worth it too.  If sweaty security guards across the country are to be granted free reign to ogle us as we go about our mundane daily business, well let’s make darn sure we’re looking our best.

3.  The creation of a National Surrogate Granny Service.  No longer will those of us rearing our children outside a forty-mile radius of our relations – while friends’ mothers and mother-in-laws are seemingly available at the drop of a hat to babysit their grandchildren regularly while they cement their already healthy relationships – be left in a barren no-mans-land of nights in with the kids.  Instead we will wallow in companionship with our better halves on exciting soirées and rekindle the sexual frisson of the first blush months when we gazed starry-eyed at each other across tables in low-lit Italian bistros.  Alternatively, we may stare mindlessly at the stranger facing us and wonder who the hell they are and whether the kids back home have gone feral and are beating each other – and poor old Granny Surrogate – with the Wii.  Either way it’s still a night out away from the ankle-biters.

4.  The abolishment of all things Eighties and banishment to the Tower of London for teenage boys sporting flattened, gelled fringes and spikes at the same time. I mean, who really wants to relive such a mindlessly tasteless decade?

5.  The establishment of nation-wide Merlot Theme Parks.  Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee…splash!

No rosette required; a large glass of Rosé will do…